i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
