i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
