I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
