I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
