I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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