so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
