The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
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God gave him joint rollers for hands
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
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She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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