Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
