I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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