after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
