I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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