I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
