she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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