Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
