I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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