OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
