You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
