K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
