this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
