I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
