Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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