Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
