Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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