Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
