Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
