You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
