Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
