I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Randomize
