i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
