I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
