Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
