I am puke
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
