my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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