literally had 100 drinks last night.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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