I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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