I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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