i just sent this text using only my big toe
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
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I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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