My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
