I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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