well I can't set my house on fire every night
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
