Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
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Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
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Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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