someone threw a dead crab at me
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
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The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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