i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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