why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
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She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
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