Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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