Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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