I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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