Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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