I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
