If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I checked into jail on foursquare
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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