I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He passed out mid-signature
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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