I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
