Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
