i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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