the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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